As mothers, we feel guilt from the moment we bring our little ones home. We constantly beat ourselves up about the choices we make mainly because we live in a world where we are constantly judged and indirectly told how to raise our children. Every decision from whether our babies should be breastfed or bottle fed to whether to use a dummy or not, feels like a momentous decision. As a result of the endless voices, we can sometimes feel like we are not doing a good enough job.
But the idea of ‘good parenting’ varies massively and the truth is if your little one is fed, happy and looked after, the chances are you are doing a fantastic job. The following 5 things are just some of the things we as mothers can stop feeling guilty about.
1. Bottle/Formula feeding
We are constantly told that breast milk is best for our babies as it is packed with disease fighting substances that help protect them. So naturally you feel obliged to breast feed. You feel that anything other than breast milk will be making them vulnerable to infections and diseases or that you will be robbing them of IQ points. When Baby J was born, I was pretty much forced to breast feed by the midwives in the hospital. It was ok, I wanted to, but what I hadn’t anticipated was how hard it was going to be. Our antenatal course made it sound like a breeze, like it would just happen with minimal effort. Except it wasn’t anything like that. Numerous midwives tried to help but nothing worked. I felt like a terrible mother. I couldn’t even nourish my own child, one of the most supposedly natural things to do. I constantly felt like I was letting him down. I tried breastfeeding cafes, lactation consultants, and many other avenues but nothing worked. I expressed for a while but in the end I stuck to formula feeding. Baby J is now 7 months and perfectly healthy having suffered from just one cold and ear infection over the winter. The reality is not everyone can breast feed or some may choose not to. But you shouldn’t feel guilty about choosing to formula feed. The most important thing is baby is being fed.
2. Using dummies
I’ve never really known much about the pros and cons of using dummies other than hearing mothers complain about the difficulties of weaning their babies off them. I had also heard mothers talk about dummies causing dental problems. So without doing much research I had already decided that I wasn’t going to use a dummy with Baby J. The first few months were fine, and settling Baby J was never a problem. Then the dreaded 4 month sleep regression hit and I was forever rocking him back to sleep. I was at my wits end, so reluctantly decided to give Baby J a dummy in order to soothe him. I could not believe how well it worked! I have since used it to soothe him to sleep and to calm him if he’s a little grizzly and it has always worked. I don’t give it to him 24/7 and most of the time he pops it out once he’s done with it anyway but it has been a godsend. I’ve had a few snidey comments from other mothers about giving Baby J a dummy but, I no longer feel guilty for it. Other than a bit of peace, other pros of using dummies are protection against SIDS, helping babies pacify themselves and satisfying the suck reflex for some babies.
3. Screen time
Now this is one I felt very very strongly about. I never wanted Baby J to be exposed to screens for the first year of his life at the very least for a number of reasons. Doctors recommend that babies under the age of 18 months shouldn’t really be having any screen time at all as it has no real benefits and could lead to health problems in the long term. Babies thrive on interaction with others and so I always believed engaging with Baby J would bring the most benefits. Studies also show that too much screen time can impact a babies language, social and emotional development as well as causing sleep problems. But as technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, many parents resort to allowing their young children to watch tv, tablets and phones just for a moments peace. I always tried
to talk, sing and interact with Baby J with toys and props and he was always happy. But when he reached 5/6 months, leaving the room just for a brief moment without him screaming down the house became impossible, even if he was preoccupied with his toys. I found myself carrying him around the house all day and trying to maniacally squeeze in all my housework during his nap time. I became desperate. And that’s when Little Baby Bum on YouTube entered our lives. Endless nursery rhymes to keep Baby J occupied whilst I made his milk, or had a moment to just brush my teeth! I don’t prop him up in front of the tv for hours on end and he’s not about to get into the latest series of Homeland with us. But I’m ok with 10-15 minutes here and there if it means he will be happier and I can get something done.
4. Co sleeping
This is a controversial topic with many articles giving conflicting information about the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your baby. As a result it is very easy to get confused and misinformed about whether you should co-sleep or not. The dangers of co-sleeping have also been the subject of recent news, but don’t make for easy reading for first time mothers like myself. Generally it is advised that babies should sleep in their own cot for the first 6 months as it decreases the risk of SIDS. This was reiterated a number of times by my midwife and health visitor. But there are many mothers who swear by it and say it was the only way their little ones got a decent nights sleep. Baby J was always in his Moses basket and then his cot. But we got to a stage when it was increasingly difficult to settle him through the night, especially if he was teething or a little poorly and so I tried co-sleeping. It worked so well, so now if we have nights where he won’t settle, I don’t mind putting him in the bed with me. There are many benefits to co-sleeping such as being able to comfort your baby quicker if they wake up, and developing a deeper bond. Providing co-sleeping is done safely and the guidelines are followed, I can’t see the problem with it especially if it means everyone is well rested and happier.
5. Store bought food
When it comes to starting baby onto solids, I think all mothers begin with the intention of making fresh food for their baby instead of opting for store bought food. Aside from the obvious fact that it is healthier for the baby as it doesn’t have the additives and preservatives which make store bought food appealing and shelf stable, it is also the cheaper option. However, it can be time consuming, as yes of course it will take more time to wash, peel, steam and mash carrots than it will opening a jar. We are still in the early days of weaning with Baby J and have stuck to fresh fruits and vegetables which I have steamed and pureed. But I’m still on maternity leave at the moment so have a little more free time, which will all change once I’m back at work. Plus Baby J might not take to home made food. I appreciate not everyone has the time to make fresh food for their babies whilst trying to juggle a million other things, or their babies just might not like the taste of home made food. Whatever the reason, it’s ok to give your baby store bought food if that’s what works for you.
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