I think it is safe to say all parents have a love-hate relationship with soft play. We dread walking through those doors into a large room of screaming children and being forced down plastic slides (which you are far too big for) by your children. But children seem to love soft play more than life itself. Here are my seven rules of soft play which I'm sure many parents can relate to.
1. You try not to think about the hundreds and thousands of germs, sick and whatever else there is covering every inch of the soft play. And when you do, you try to suppress it. This is all right before your child decides to lick the floor or pick up that lonely chip and quickly eat it before you can grasp it from their super human grip.
2. When your child hits another child or snatches a toy away from them, you can feel those judgemental eyes piercing through your skull so you overcompensate (very loudly and with lots of pointy fingers) with phrases like ‘share please’, ‘say you’re sorry’ and the all-time favourite ‘right, we’re going home right now’. When you know perfectly well you are not going anywhere for the next two hours.
3. When another child hits your child or takes his toy, you act as if it is all okay - ‘oh don’t worry about it’, ‘he’s absolutely fine’ and ‘Jovan, you must share with others’. When deep down a fresh swell of rage is rising and you feel like your face will explode any second.
4. There is always that one random kid who will come to you and tell you that another child is not letting them do something. You pretend you cannot hear them and quickly look/run away but they follow you. You run faster.
5. If you see an over aged trespasser causing chaos in the toddler section, you try to act nonchalant with lots of smiles, all the while ‘tutting’ under your breath and hoping one of the staff spots the outrageous and shocking breach of the rules. No one sees the kid. You are seething. Then moments later, despite trying to wrestle your toddler back, he enters the older kids section only to start more chaos. You then realise that no one actually has any control and all the children are just running wild.
6. You try your hardest to avoid the café as the moment your child catches whiff of the snacks on offer (although I am convinced my little one can sniff out sugar from the other side of the country), they want them all and you have to justify paying £5 for a Kit-Kat. If you say no, they lose their sh*t. If you say yes, they want a second one. And after 15 minutes of trying to negotiate with them, you end up out of pocket with a child on a sugar bender who is now trying to dive head first into the ball pit.
7. Let’s face it we all really hate soft-play, but it is a LIFESAVER.
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