From the moment Baby J was born, I found myself comparing him to every baby we came across. I was even drawing comparisons to other babies on the ward the day after he was born, making sure what he was doing was ‘normal’.
As a newborn, Baby J was a dream. He always fed when he was supposed to, burped when he was supposed to, and slept when he was supposed to. He didn’t really suffer from any other issues. I felt quite proud. I remember talking to a friend with a daughter of a similar age to Baby J and she said her daughter would not sleep and would cry for hours at a time. I wasn’t exactly sleeping 8 hours a night but I remember thinking she must have been delirious from the sleep deprivation. Part of me felt super grateful that Baby J wasn’t like that.
Fast forward a few months and Baby J hit the dreaded 4 month sleep regression hard. He was waking up every 45/60 mins through the night for approximately 7 weeks and absolutely nothing we tried was working. I remember having a conversation with that same friend a few weeks into the regression and she said her daughter hadn’t really been affected by the 4 month regression but in fact was sleeping through the night. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of jealously. Why wasn’t Baby J sleeping through the night?
The comparison game is something new mums are familiar with. As humans we naturally compare ourselves to others in all aspects of our life, so when we have children, we can’t help but do the same to them. I still find myself constantly asking other mothers ‘does your baby do this yet?’. It’s perfectly normal to want our children to acquire skills, plus we want to know if our children are developing well, so we compare for reassurance. However by doing so we may not be fully appreciating what they are actually accomplishing.
I’m sure many will agree that they’ve come across those annoying mothers who just love to brag – ‘my baby started sleeping through the night at 3 weeks, started rolling at 2 months and walking at 6 months.’ Yeah, and I’m sure your baby also said Rhinoceros by 9 months. Don’t let these mothers make you feel inadequate. The chances they are not they telling the full truth and even if they are, these developments have nothing to do with good parenting. It’s very easy to fall into these comparison traps and the following are just some examples.
Development/Hitting milestones
Although we are given guidelines, babies vary widely when it comes to hitting milestones such as crawling, sitting up and walking.
I was recently informed by a ‘competitive mother’ that her son, of a similar age, was rolling over and that he was no fuss at all, rarely crying and that she spent her days watching various Netflix series. I think I must have spent the following week trying to get Baby J to roll over. I tried everything, but he would get half way before giving up. Nothing worked.
He was also going through a very fussy phase, which according to The Wonder Weeks was just another leap. But I couldn’t work out why other babies of a similar age seemed unaffected by these leaps. The endless google searches and questions to my health visitor never seemed to put my mind at ease.
Competitive parents see early development as a sign of intelligence or good parenting. The truth is it’s neither. Every child develops at their own pace and they won’t hit a milestone if they’re just not ready. We are constantly told to look out for signs of development, so it’s no wonder we stress so much when we think they may not be developing as they should. Monitor your child’s development and find out if there is anything you can do to assist, but it’s best not to fret too much if they aren’t doing as well as their peers, as the chances are they are taking their own sweet time. So, instead of thinking about what your baby doesn’t do, appreciate what they are doing.
Behaviour/Character
There are many personality traits that are inborn and most new mums will figure out their babies character as the months pass. Baby J smiles and giggles loads now but used to constantly frown when he was a newborn. He didn’t even cry much when he was born, probably because he was too busy frowning at all the doctors and nurses in the operating theatre. We would constantly receive comments such as ‘oh, someone looks a little cross today’ or ‘someone is not a happy bunny’, when in fact it was just his face. Even my best song and dance couldn’t get him to crack a smile. At around 13 weeks we were in the doctors office sat next to a couple with a baby of a similar age who could not stop smiling at everyone who passed him. When I asked how old her son was and she said 14 weeks, I felt a little envious. Her son seemed like the happiest baby in the world, whilst my own mini Victor Meldrew was too busy giving death stares to everyone in the waiting room.
There will be times when your little one will be the only one screaming or crying amongst other babies who seem good as gold and you’ll want the ground to just swallow you up. But don’t compare - that quiet baby may have had a major meltdown that same morning! We’ve come to accept that Baby J isn’t as contented as some babies, but we love his cheeky character!
Sleeping
‘Is your baby sleeping through the night?’ is the one question I’ve been asked most since Baby J was born. I wish he was. I still have nights where I spend more time rocking him back to sleep than I do under my duvet. Unfortunately when it comes to sleep, there are great disparities as some babies sleep like a dream whilst others will fight sleep with every little ounce of their little bodies. It’s hard not to want to want to scream at that mother bragging that her baby sleeps through the night, especially if like me, your baby isn’t. But instead of focusing on the super sleepers, see if there is anything you can do to help your baby develop good sleeping habits. There’s lots of guidance out there on sleep training, and how to help your baby sleep and nap better. And don’t worry, according to the National Sleep Foundation, it’s not until 9 months that 70-80% of babies start sleeping through the night so if your baby isn’t sleeping well, you’re not alone, and it won’t be like this forever!
Letting go of our expectation for our babies to be perfect is hard, especially in our competitive parenting culture. But it’s important to not fall into these comparison traps as they can leave you exhausted and unnecessarily worried.
Baby J is now 5 months and we are regularly around other babies of a similar age, whether it be through classes, friends or family. There are so many differences in all the babies and it’s about understanding that every baby is unique. I continue to look out for signs of his development and encourage him to do things such as sit up and reach for toys, but I think I’ve come to understand that he will do these when he is ready. Remember every baby is different and as long as baby is healthy, happy and cared for, you're doing a great job!
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