My First Month as a Mother - Love, Love...and Anxiety.

I've always been a busybody - anyone who knows me well will tell you I hate doing nothing and that I need to occupy my time with something productive. I cant even handle a long hot bubble bath because I feel like I am wasting time!

I kept myself thoroughly busy throughout my pregnancy, holding down two jobs, going to the gym, redecorating the house, cooking, cleaning, on top of trying to maintain a healthy family and social life. I loved the ‘busy-ness’ of it all, I always have.

So when I had an emergency C-Section it was a complete shock to my system. I was constrained to my house for the first few weeks, more specifically to my bedroom, simply because it was too painful to walk and climb stairs. It felt like my life was still in the fast lane, except it was all happening within these 4 walls.

I was lucky enough to have my husband who was off work for 5 weeks to help out. And my mum and mother in law were great in ensuring I was watered, fed and looked after. I was absolutely loving my time with Baby J. We enjoyed a lot skin to skin and bonding time and even though he spent a lot of time sleeping I found myself just staring at him for hours on end or talking absolute nonsense to him.

But despite all of this, I had this constant feeling of loneliness and worry just hovering above me at all times and I just could not shake it off.

Looking after a newborn was completely new to me and so a lot of the time was spent just getting to grips with it all. But I always expected that to be the case and knew it would come with it's challenges and concerns. I'm a big time worrier on the best of days, but this was a whole new level of worrying. I found myself constantly googling stupid things at all hours, looking for answers to questions on my mind that would just eat away at me. Things such as 'why is his poop this colour?' 'Why is my baby breathing so fast?'. I was worrying about absolutely everything Baby J did. The anxiety was killing me. I do believe this is something every mother experiences. Except I felt like I let it get to me too much. 99% of the time there was nothing wrong but I would sit in my bed searching for answers which would in turn lead me to another question. Trying to do that whilst seriously sleep deprived can drive even the sanest person crazy!

Being constrained to my home looking after Baby J also took me away from my usual routine - being outdoors, seeing people everyday, keeping fit. My life was now a different kind of busy. There were days where I felt a little lonely and wanted to be out and about doing other things with Baby J. But I was constantly told to let my body recover and so I didn't want to risk any long term injury and so I stayed put. I was so eager to get back into my fitness regime but was told I had to wait at least 3 months in order to avoid damaging my stitches. The thought of being 'fat' really got to me and I forever searched for exercises I could do and when I could start them. It had only been a few weeks but I felt like I had already started to lose my identity.

I had also been told of baby blues but never thought I'd be one to suffer from them. Yet for the first two weeks I found myself crying at pretty much anything and everything. I think my lowest point was sobbing away at an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians! I think I knew I had to do something about it or risk falling into depression.

It took me a few weeks to start talking about how I felt and address how I was feeling. I confided in my family and friends - about what was on my mind and how I could help myself as well as receive support from others. I soon came to learn that it was ok the feel the above things and it didn't make me a bad mother. In fact it made me normal.

I also joined some local classes for Baby J (there were so many to choose from!) and we were soon attending Baby Sensory, Rhythmtime and Baby Massage classes, amongst others. We still attend these and we both love the social interaction. As soon as I was able to get behind the wheel I was out meeting friends, family, having days out with just the two of us, or just shopping. I even started some exercising whilst Baby J napped.  I began to really enjoy my days and I felt great!

Prior to Baby J’s arrival, we went to all the NCT classes, read all the info sent to us, but the reality is nothing can prepare you for looking after a newborn. The sleepless nights, the constant worrying, recovering from your birthing experience coupled with baby blues and just trying to get used to it all can be incredibly overwhelming. I made the mistake of trying to deal with it all like I always had and just bottled it all in and just got on with it.

But there are things you can do alleviate this and I wish I had tried them sooner. Thankfully I didn't suffer from Post Natal Depression, but 1 in 3 mothers do. That's a terrifying statistic!  

I know it's said all the time, but you really don't realise how big love until you have a baby. I'm absolutely besotted with Baby J and dread the day I have to go back to work and be away from him. But remember, it's OK to feel emotions other than just love. We are all human after all.

Tips for your first month:

1. Make the most of any support from family and friends. If you have visitors, make sure they're coming to help and not to burden you. 2. Ensure that you don't lose yourself and your identity. It's easier said than done but try to incorporate the things you enjoy into your life. 3. Don't be so hard on yourself with your weight loss. Remember, your body has spent 9 months growing a baby so give yourself some time to get back to your old self. I was putting far too much pressure on myself to lose weight. Take your time, you'll get there. I'm currently using the SWEAT app which is great for working out at home and you can do it whilst your baby naps! 4. Don't be afraid to talk about how you feel, especially to your partner and other mothers. You'll be surprised how many mothers are in the same boat. If you feel like you can’t talk to family and friends, speak to your GP who may direct you to professionals who may be able to assist. 5. Enjoy every moment with your baby. The months really do just fly by and every day spent with them build priceless memories.